Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
