he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
