1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
