I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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