now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
