what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
