I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
