if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
