I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
