Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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