Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
