whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
