I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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