I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
