I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
