a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
