I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I can tuck mytits in my pants
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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