Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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