Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
