I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
