quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
