Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
