I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
