I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
