Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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