Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Randomize
