so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
