Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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