those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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