i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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