would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
