mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
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Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
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our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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