Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
