Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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