Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
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I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
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Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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