it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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