Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
