My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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