He disabled his match.com account in front of me
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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