Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
