it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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