I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
