Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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