I wish I could punch you in the face.
i already hear my dad disowning me
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
