Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
