He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
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Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
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I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart