How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
