This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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