Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
