i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
