fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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