I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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