the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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