i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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