You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
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I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
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Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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