so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
