Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
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My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize